Friday, February 17, 2012

Why Am I Going?

When this post goes live in the webs, and for the Google bots to freely crawl upon, I am already aboard the very first airplane that I will ride in my entire life. Where am I going??? Well, I'm off to Singapore. Wae? Why? That is the question I am trying to answer in this post.

Why Am I Going?

I am going to see Super Junior in Singapore. That is why I’m going there. That is all there is. This group/band/people triggered in me the most trivial yet important question I should answer/act upon in my life.

What is my life all about? What is the meaning behind all the things that have occurred? Or is it even necessary to find meaning, my meaning, in doing all these and going to Singapore to see SJ???!!!!

Different people have different ways of being inspired, or being moved by a person, thing, event or occurrence to a point that one would take action just for the fulfillment of this goal/dream.

Super Junior had this impact to me. Through SJ’s own ways, I realized that there is more to this life. Before I knew SJ, I already know that there is obviously more to life that I was living. More suffering, illness, loneliness, sadness, violence, happiness, fame, adventure, kindness, etc. I knew the left and right side of the spectrum. It’s just that SJ made me take action. To do something aside from dreaming and procrastinating.

Perhaps one could say that I’m giving SJ too much credit, when in reality, I may have really just realized all these things without the “apparent help/influence” of SJ. Or maybe one could even argue that it was just me… becoming a more mature (?), changed person after Mother’s death, exploring my options abroad. Or, it was just me becoming an utterly disrespecting eldest daughter un-accepting of her new role as breadwinner in the family… that’s why she goes to SG to experience this sense of rebellion against this unspoken new responsibility in her life, getting away from it all.

Yeah, perhaps it’s the latter.
If that is the case, it’s a very sad realization.
And what a very sad life I have. L T.T

I may have matured in a whole new grander level after Mother’s death.
I may still be in denial that no one will be reprimanding me from listening to songs in a different language in eardrum-shattering volume.
I may just be in a rebellious mode.
I may just be depressed and getting crazier every second that I’m spending an arm and a leg by going to SG.
I may be irresponsible.
I may be delusional.
I may always ramble, spouting this nonsense trying to make sense of it all, trying to find an excuse, a reason to go to Singapore and see Super Junior, and ultimately failing.
I may only be terribly missing Mother, and poorly displacing this feeling to SJ and ELF and the sense of family they bring/create for each other.

All those things may really indeed be true.
I’m just confused.
Even lonely?

Perhaps it is too early to tell what SJ is to my life?
Maybe I could answer this more clearly after I go there?
I don’t know.

It’s just that, there is one thing that I’ve always felt each time I think about SJ and ELF.  It’s the feeling that my shoulders are lighter, the sides of my head and my nose seems more airy (?) and my eyes are either too strained or too relaxed I don’t know if I’m about to smile so wide or cry out loud. I just feel light and relieved. And I am finally able to breathe.

It is such a new feeling. So much like a drug, eh? Yeah.
Maybe it is different because for a very long time I wasn’t able to do or consciously do exactly that in my life. You know, breathing.

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